Friday, November 07, 2014

Frust 3 : Reaching new levels

Today I saw one couple feeding chapati to each other in our university canteen. This gave me lot of unrest and I decided to launch an association.
The name of this association is Association of Frustrated People who Want to be in a Relationship But Aren't due to Various Reasons (AFPWRBAVR). In short AFP (which is a very smart anagram of FAP).
As the name says, anyone who wants to be in a relationship but isn't due to various reasons and is hence frust can be part of this association. The reason may be anything: fear of commitment, inferiority complex, body odour, bad breath, pot belly, caste feelings, family pressure or simply lacking the courage to approach your crush.
Our main job will be to try and help each other get into a relationship oppose PDA. Not because of any moral reasons but because we don't get to indulge in any (in other words, because of jealousy).
We shall do this by applying the following tactics (for example):
1.  When a couple is sitting in one corner, AFP members shall go near that place and pretend that they are attending to a phone call and talk loudly and, if you feel, throw in a few abuses to the "caller" at the other end. Or,
2. When a couple is sitting in one place, purposefully go and occupy the table/bench next to it even if the entire place is empty and again talk loudly.

Points will be given to any other creative methods for disrupting PDA.

Apart from this, we shall, if you feel like, share with others the reason why you are not in a relationship. Most of us don't have time for such emotion, senti stuff but you can say it aloud and let it hang out there instead of keeping it inside.

Further activities, rules and guidelines to be announced on the basis of need.

afppers of the world unite.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Married - A Facebook Experiment

Lately I have been under some pressure to prepare myself for marriage. My mother has notified me that next year I will be getting married come what may. Added to this, relatives do their job of making routine enquiry, sometimes getting all philosophical by saying that one has to go through all stages of life and such things. All this ok. What flipped the switch was that Facebook too got into the act recently and started posting ads of matrimonial sites on my 'wall'. I thought it would be a good idea to shut at least one mouth up and so changed my status from 'single' to 'married'.
I notified everyone that this was only a test to see if the ads stop and to see what other types of ads come up. (Ignoring this many of my friends congratulated me and wished me and my fictitious wife a happy married life.)
The test turned out to be a great success. The matrimonial ads stopped almost immediately. Victory was near. But the power for advertising could not be undone. As some of my friends warned me, ads about honeymoon/vacation trips started to appear. Exotic locations over the weekend. I was asked if I wanted my family's name engraved on wood (for ease of the near-extinct postman I suppose). Some wedding and event planning company in Vishakapatnam felt I would require their services now (after my wedding. I cannot understand why). Even Flipkart took a dig and started suggesting amazing offers on blenders and juice makers. One of the most common ads was that of some furniture company (one called FabFurniture) which kept insisting that I should definitely get a wooden cupboard and other fancy furniture items. 
The most frequent ad, mother promise, was of some company called Life Cell which asked me if my wife is pregnant and if she was, then I ought to start knowing about stem cell banking. I should gift my baby "the power of stem cells", it said. Yet another company asked me the same question and said that if the answer is again in the affirmative, I should get my wife's pregnancy scan done at their place. It had a ultrasound scan photo of a baby on the abdomen of a pregnant lady. (A very creepy image if you ask me. Attached for your judgment. Somehow reminded me of the movie Total Recall. Don't ask how, why and all.) 

Now let us talk about these two ads for a while. First of all, I have been "married" for not even 3 days. How could Facebook deduce that my wife could be pregnant or that I will start thinking about pregnancy immediately ? Perhaps Facebook performed an in depth analysis of my photos and using all their face recognition software came up with two alternatives:
1. I married a woman who was already pregnant (hopefully because of me. Other wise I don't want to discuss it here. It a personal issue between my wife and me)?  This could be from some of the more "rowdy"/"crazy" images that I had used as my profile picture.
2. Or, and I think this is more likely, Facebook, deduced from my looks that I was so awesomely powerful that my "seed" could impregnate a woman in a matter of hours. Remember how six nymphs got impregnated by Lord Shiva's "seed(s)" just because they were having bath in the same river in which Agni dropped them (because they were so hot. Not the nymphs, the "seed(s)".) Well, perhaps Facebook thought I too was so potent. Thank you Facebook. You understand my powers. Please, come up with a super-hero name for such an impregnator. Something like Instant Impregnator, Impregnator Extraordinaire.
What I cannot understand is, why not post ads of condoms instead ? See, we have so much population already in the country. Added to that, so many children are orphaned due to poverty (or because they are girls) or sold into beggary. We could do with a lot less child production, don't you think ? Another reason I will give. See, all said and done, it is an open secret that the only way (most) Indian men get any "action" is by getting married. So, after controlling all that sexual frustration for so many years, it could be that they forget a very important think like protection on the day (or night, to follow more tradition accounts) of reckoning. So, it would be wise to remind them of that. Think about it Facebook.
Following these ads were physiotherapy ads for back pain. Now, I am not saying that back pain has direct link to the above activity but the connection seems hard to miss. It's all a calculated strategy see.
All this also okay. Why diaper discount ads are coming ? Perhaps Facebook judges that my wife also has super awesome powers of immediately delivering the baby. Instant growth and speedy delivery. Ready for one more madam and sir ?
Last, but not the least, BlapPlus hair consultation offers me cheap consultation and remedy for hair loss and baldness ! This is where I got a jolt. Now, Facebook knows my age (and that's why posted the matrimonial ads I guess) and would hence know that I could not be going bald at least in near future. (I am talking of the average man here. Some unfortunate ones are already going bald. All genes.) But as soon as it saw that I was married, it changed its mind. "See", its artificial intelligence must have thought, "this guy is a nut. He must have married a nut. She might be driving him into becoming an even greater nut. Therefore, his head might start looking like a nut- smooth and spotless. Hence proved. Let me suggest some baldness treatment."
Apart from these striking ones, I used to get ads about mutual fund investments. That's all.
Going by the ads, I could an indirect glimpse into what my life would be like after marriage. It scared me. Hence I decided to change my status back to "single". At least the ads of matrimonial sites have pretty girls on them and not creepy ultrasounded abdomens.

P.S: No insultation of women is intended. Giving birth is an experience I will never be able to undergo myself so all respect to female people.

Sunday, February 09, 2014

On this Valentine's Day

She is the most important thing in my life.
My day (my life) revolves around her. Our bond is special and like all other relationships ours too has its ups and downs. Sometimes even for small or insignificant things, she throws a big tantrum. And I really need to think back as to what was it that I did to offend her. At other times, however, I myself can guess which act of mine will offend her. But, I, being who I am cannot stop myself. And boy! do I face the music on those occasions. I have to call on her some 4-5 times a day, sometimes even more but even that doesn't help. She, like me, is who she is, and takes her own time to come back to normal. Even in such normal times, I have to cajole her with coffee to get a conversation going.
For days together, sometimes, she doesn't speak to me. It gets so hard to focus on other things when that happens.
At times, when I think everything is normal, she doesn't speak a word with me. On the other hand, she starts up a conversation when I least expect. It is irritating, because I might be right in the middle of work. But I am better off attending to her lest the matter gets bad. Sometimes she just rambles on, like water, free flowing, never showing a sign of stopping. Sometimes words drip from her mouth like honey. And of course, when she is angry they are as hard as rocks.
However, with all the ups and down, I must accept one thing. When I am with her time stops and nothing else in the world matters. One good conversation with her can light up my entire day.
I was of course, referring to my bowels.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

A Note On Bike Bumper Stickers

Autos had since long used sticker on their outer seat cover as a decoration. Mostly it was "Sallu-Bhai" or some religious message like 786 or Om. Of late, however, the practice of bumper stickers on bikes has picked up in Hyderabad.
Well, technically, it cannot be called a bumper sticker because bikes don't have bumpers. It is a Mud-Guard Sticker to be exact. So what are the different types of Mud-Guard stickers that I have seen. Well, mostly these stickers do the job of displaying the sponsor's name. So we have stickers which say "Mom's Gift", "Dad's Gift", "Brother's Gift" or "Ma Baap ki Duah". But then one day I saw "Marriage Gift" which is a nice way of saying "I got this as Dowry". Rarely have I seen such pride is displaying one's Dowry gifts. Perhaps the in-laws stuck it and gave it to him. Or perhaps the bike was given on the condition that if the sticker were to be taken off, the girl and all her dowry would be taken back. Quite an innovative way of reducing the practice of Dowry, I think. Which man would want the whole world asking him "Don't you have a vehicle of your own?" when they see "Marriage Gift" stuck on his vehicle.
Then there are these Caste/Family Name indicators. So, you will see "Reddy's", "Raju's" or "Naidu's" or "Nuthala's" or "Thamineni's" and so on. Funny thing about this type of sticker is that they all seem to be in the same font. It is good, in a sense, that all castes came together at least to decide the font in which they will display their castes. For a more detailed analysis of this type of stickers refer here (
Next we have the religious people with stickers saying "Om Sai Ram", "Jai Sri Ram", "Jai Matadi", "God is great", "Allah malik hain" and so on. I saw one person whose sticker said "Garv se khao hindu hoon, Pyar se khao jai sai ram". Two things, I don't think Sai Baba is strictly a Hindu sage or "god" and so the connection being a proud Hindu and being a devotee of Sai Baba is quite weak. The second thing of course, is the spelling which practically ruins the whole message. Instead of "kaho" (which means "to say") and man say "Khao" (which means "to eat"). I double checked just to make sure and indeed it was "Khao". It is a tough life leading a religious one.
We then have a segment of people who wish to let everyone know their nick names. So, we see "Chanti", "Bablu", "Chinna" and so on with a skull mark or something like that. By the way I think "Bablu" is one of the most funniest nick names.
Lastly, we have the wise guys who have some wise crack, catchy message. For example, this one guy's sticker said "If you think I am slow, Take right and go to hell". Another cool-dude said, "Racing is my passion, Speed is my attitude". This one was on a Hero-Honda passion - hardly a racing bike. Moreover, what does "Speed is my attitude" mean ? I can never get around such sentences. Another guy's sticker said "Save water Bath with neighbour's daughter". This one was quite funny and I liked it. I wished to compliment him but he was riding with a girl so I thought it might be offensive. I don't know how he got his parents' approval for that.
Many times, spellings go for a toss when it comes to these stickers mainly due to lack of space I guess. Grammar nazis too can have a good time with them because quite often you find the apostrophe missing, as in "Mom's Gift" becomes "Mom Gift" or a comma missing. But being charitable to these fellows, I encourage the practice on the whole because it adds some colour and amusement to the other wise arduous experience of driving on Hyderabad roads.

P.S:I apologize if the title seems boring. I suppose reading Philosophy does that to one.